This is a devotional along with my personal testimony of the last day.  You know, there have been more days than not that I have felt less than worthy of God even mentioning my name, or even uttering a symbol.  I know God loves me, and relentlessly pursues, it all sounds so cliché in my mind, but I also know the extent of the poverty of my spirit, my need for Christ daily!  And then, God gives me a gentle reminder…  So I am going to entitle my story this morning, ‘Living on the Edge of Grace!’.

So, I was leaving work yesterday evening, I was just exhausted after a long “good” day.  I was heading to the van and hopped in realizing my gas tank was on “EEEEEEEE”!  I knew it this morning, so I drove through the thick of traffic and pulled in the gas station.  I waited maybe 3 or 4 minutes with a car in front of me for a pump, in no rush at all.  I pulled up to the pump, as I was about to get out, I realized I left my wallet on my desk at work!  : O

So needless to say I drove back, and got my wallet, laughing half frustratingly to myself the whole way.  This time went further up the highway to another gas station along the way.  I filled up, got back in and that’s when I had a realization that not only was my ‘Car’s’ gas tank empty but my Spiritual tank was dry.  You see with all the hustle and bustle of the last few days I gave many ‘Moments’ to God in celebrating Jesus, His birth, and remembering the Cross, but not really spent quality time with Him the last 3 days.

As I drove off from getting gasoline, I simply, glanced at my spirit and said… “God, I am just a mess…” in great frustration and sighed!  You see as a Ragamuffin, beating yourself up is well, quite common.  I am a professional Ragamuffin, VERY aware of the poverty of my Spirit, and my need for Christ daily!  Yet, as Brennan Manning has said (paraphrased), we are too proud to take this most precious gift God gives us called ‘Amazing Grace’, the gift of the Cross!  He gives us the keys to the kingdom, and yet quite often I will choose to remain in my poverty instead.

You see, its not that I ‘didn’t’ accept the gift of the Jesus and His work on the Cross, I am a believer, a sinner Saved by Grace, BECAUSE of Jesus….  But rather than rising from the ashes of my sin that was paid for in FULL, and walking in victory as a new creation, I am still kneeling, broken at the feet of Jesus, constantly in awe, and in self-examination of my poverty of Spirit…  It’s not a bad place, but sometimes I need a nudge to get up for a walk with Thee!  🙂

So, resuming my story, as I ponder the fore mentioned paragraph  in my head, God did that exact thing, took me for a walk!  Just as I was saying how much of a mess I am, I turned on the radio and heard this song immediately, which caused me just to start weeping so much I could barely see to drive….God wrapped His arms around me in that moment…  I want to pause here so you can enjoy this moment in your spirit as well…

So, as I am recovering “barely”, from this moment of GREAT love from my Father and Jesus, wrapping their arms around me, the next song comes on.  Now, might I add, everything mentioned here in these songs is the core of what I was going through in that moment… God was crushing the spirit of unworthiness, regret, shame, failure, and wrapping me up in Agape, saying, may you NEVER forget MY Love for YOU and WHO I AM, and who you are in Me!

Pretty crazy huh, I hope God is penetrating your own heart at this moment and speaking directly to you as well…  The enemy don’t like this, so he loves to speak these doubts about who we are in Christ, show us our past, our shame, regrets, failures, to mask the blessings God has bestowed upon us, we don’t deserve them, but it is His gift out of great love for you and I!

So, as I am driving, God of All My Days from Casting crowns comes on as well.  You see what’s happening here, I am out for a walk with my Daddy, while He pours out His heart to bring healing to mine…  As I continue my walk with Him, these are the next thoughts God reminded me of…

So, at this point I am pulling into the driveway at home, and just feeling filled with God’s Spirit, and resting in Him.  I am totally drained from weeping and sobbing and experiencing this walk with Him!  However, it was more like a refreshing rain, as the tears poured out welling from deep within me, it was like the feeling of coming home after a long journey.  That’s usually what this feels like in these special moments spent with my daddy “Abba Father”.

So, I turned off the radio and I looked back and laughed out loud, and said, Oh sure, what are you going to tell me next when I turn on the radio…Well, He book-ended our walk with a joke….  You see 10 years back just a month before I was engaged, I was having one of these same moments, and just beating myself up in my poverty of Spirit, and I drove crying (Yes, I cry a lot 🙂  ), into a McDonalds drive-Thru, and ordered a ‘Double Quarter Pounder” meal, and as I got to the window, the woman handed me a ‘Happy Meal’ instead, and I remember I just took it, and just broke into laughter in my spirit, and just said, “Ok God, I get it!”    With that said, God book-ended his final word on my walk with Thee… Should I be surprised?  😀

I just looked back and said really God, laughing so loud….and Yes, I smiled, and I am most certain He Laughed!